MECHANICS~ The Bottom Falls Out

Darling beloved has returned.
All tanned and sexy looking from one month in Mexico!

Ah... to spend 30 days lying on the beach and crawling under the sea.

He came bearing a nice little bottle of REAL VANILLA and CACAO BEANS!!!!

How Heavenly!

But as expected, the eating had begun. He shared tales of pirate ships, underwater taverns and an iguana that fell out of the tree while we dined.

I managed to get away with several cups of broccoli and cauliflower, and a smattering of potatoes.

I did try to explain to him all I was doing, but I'm afraid it fell on a blank stare.
I don't have words to make him understand; some how I wonder if I understand.
Why I wrestle. Why this is priority. Why I need to know what is on the other side of victory in this.

Ah, well yes... the mechanics....

I was horrendously proud of myself... (yes, and pride does come before a fall)
I have been keeping a daily organizer close at hand, and EVERYTHING gets measured and written down.

I feel the need for control here, desperately...because somehow.. I feel it could evade me at any minute.

The day started brillantly...

* up at 5:30 feeling awesome. Rebound 20 minutes
*sweat bath, dry skin brush, sitz bath all by 7 AM
* breakfast.... half a dozen cacao beans... I couldn't resist...
but then off to the teas and juices.
(dinner with honey was over, I really want to return to my juicing)
*home by 7~ to tired to juice. Instead big cup of warm coco milk with (yup) cacao and cinnamon.... mmmmmmmmmmmmmm..................

But this my friends is the end of the happy tale....
Some where around 9 pm the bottom fell out.

In between a rough day at work, some cr@ppy self-talk, or just not giving a damn at the time, I fell into a bowl full of mashed potatoes.
ok... it was several bowls of mashed potatoes.....

I ate, I almost enjoyed... all the time, knowing now would come.
The moment I would have to sit down and figure out why this happened.
Why once again I became the mastered, not the master.
And even worse deal with all the shit I will throw at myself.
Why I didn't do better? How could I have let this happened? What if I've lost precious time and ground?
Oh, I know I will not spare the condemnation......

So, I sit.....
desperately pounding on the keyboards rambling gibberish to you all.
Trying not to get up and feed the wakened beast with cookies, spaghetti, scrambled eggs with Tabasco, PB & J, or anything else I might dig out of the cupboards.....

Trying hard not to let the demons of my past eating disorders, Mr Binge and Mr Purge, resurrect themselves.
Because no matter how much distance I put in between them and I.

Some how they are only one bad choice away.

Sitting here, trying to figure out why I ever wanted to do this in the first place.
Who the hell do I think I am? And wondering why anyone would want to read this drivel.....
I know I'll have the answers. I think tonite is part of the journey.
It must be
I have a new road to victory to forge thru this.
I will not take the one most familiar to me.

I will walk out of this.
I'm not sure how, but I think I'm doing it as I type......

No comments: